What do I say? Hi again, is been some time. I’ve left tesla went back to CSS, worked for an account I hated, my father‘s health going to hell in a handbasket, stress started to build from there. Money was starting to be a real issue to me anyways. I felt/feel I don’t do enough in the world for my family, that I am still just a failure of a human being. Dad passed away on 6/3/21 at 18:54 Pm EST at the Tenn. VA Hospital in Johnson City TN. I won’t go into too many details. We went back to see if we could help get dad’s and well I’ll just say we ended up spending time with my wife’s side of the family. There is not one day since I got the news I haven’t just broke down and cried like the pathetic excuse of a person I am.
I stop myself on weekends because I want to grab the phone and call dad and talk to him about how the week went, and what was he up to? What project was he currently working on to improve the house him and mom bought 25+ Years ago? He was 82 but to me he was still in his 40’s strong, smart, figuring out new concepts and steps to better repair jets and such. Then I catch myself realizing no, I can’t do that anymore. Dad’s gone, I tried starting by calling Bruce, but he’s too busy to be bothered with me. Can’t blame he’s got his own family to tend to and he’s been promoted after being headhunted by some rival 3D Studio. He’s Loyal to Third floor though; all I can do is wish him luck moving forward.
I’m working for a financial firm now and making almost the same as I was when I was at tesla. Hopefully I will be brought on as a permanent staffer in the next 6 months. It’s not easy work though. Stock market, bonds and and accounts. I’m helping assist big names out there in the world. I know I can do this or I wouldn’t have survived this far through the training. I started getting some of my own affairs in order. Started selling off my anime VHS collection it was pretty big 4 Produce boxes stacked full down to about 1.5 now. Next will be the comics and manga I have collected during my younger years. I am thinking about investing the cash from that to a life insurance policy so my wife and kids are not burdened with my miserable remains. I will still trudge on, maybe this will pass maybe it will not all I know there is resentment, discontentment, rage, and utter sadness and loss in me currently and I do not dare let it out because I fear of what I would do if I let the floodgates open and pour out to the masses.
For now, I’ll just have to “Suck it up” and deal with it. Oh Here is a link to the latest melody in my playlist….. Thank you #MinetChan of Youtube,
Sup? Yea I’m still breathing (Too bad for some of you and you know who you are “cowards”.) So let’s see, last time I posted was back just before Halloween. Since then I ended up from time to time back on Dex’s Discord server for CB, because you know, the chickenshits don’t dare let me on their precious discord server to interact and you know what? That’s fine, after reflecting and reading through some of the bullshit that was posted and to this day still being talked smack about? I don’t need that type of toxicity in my life. I’m glad the FB group was made, and those that didn’t want to come around and join were the ones that pretty much were hateful and nay dare say in my opinion Bad examples of humanity.
Tim still hides his profile on Facebook and will talk shit about me at the old community just like the majority save for a few that we do get along with and have decent conversations with. Sure my grammar and typos kick in when I’m not focusing, but that’s me getting into a headspace and not paying attention, not an excuse just a reality. The one I don’t talk about still refuting denies he has no problems with me, I just don’t bother or should I say refuse to bother with anymore because I’ll ended up having a stroke or something, wouldn’t that give them and those others something to laugh at?
Found Mim’s LJ again and believe it or not she was active on it as of just shy of a year ago. So at least I know she’s alive. Left a message, but that’s all I can do. Up to her on whether or not she wishes to talk when and if she sees it. I’m glad my wife seems to be enjoying her new job and position. Although, sometimes I think she wants to be at the office just so there is some change in the routine. The whole work from home process can get to people from time to time, but that’s normal.
I am definitely catching up on my Streaming watch list I can tell you that! A few mentions, like TOON – Netflix, WandaVision – Disney+ a few others as well. One movie (More like short film) I want to see is Willy’s Wonderland with Nicholas Cage it’s only 80 mins long but has the look and feel of a PRE-FNAF movie. The musical talent has some kick ass rock tracks. Willy’s Wonderland theme is rather creepy almost like a certain Mouse Mascot Pizza place back from the late 80’s was. Waiting for the release date to see if there will be any OST or BGM tracks out there, the one in the trailer is pretty cool.
Covid 19, 2020, trump, it can all go fuck itself to hell in a hand basket and back. That and I got fed up with a certain someone who just couldn’t and wouldn’t move on and just acts like a jackass to get their jollies and laughs. After 9 years wow “nine” years of just trying to ignore them just didn’t cut it, I had to remove them from a group chat, I left a discord server we were on, the only thing I haven’t done yet is kick them to the curb from the group as a whole . You would thing after 38 comments going back and forth they would have bought a clue or at least a vowel? But they didn’t, they even went to lengths as to create a FB Alt in case if I was feeling evil and wished to kick said person from the group there would be their ALT to stand in their stead!
I’m not that much of dick, unless pushed prodded and attacked; lord knows I have had my fair share. Halloween is literally around the corner and it’s sad the heating in house is out no heat we’ve been doing the blanket beds for the last few nights. Come to find out the company the home warranty sent out said our “Zone Controller” was out and a specialist was needed give us our 75$. We called a company we had out before and did a great job in the past and they said we didn’t even have a “Zone controller” due to how the setup was. We just needed to adjust some levers and test some electrical contacts to make sure juice was going thru properly. So, hopefully warm house tonight in a few hours.
Our Hallows eve will consist of #TheMadalorian S2 and candy and soda and no lights on downstairs with the doors locked and having a shut in of a time this year. Seems also I will be working all the holidays this year, plus no time off as an option I went to the calendar and Thanksgiving and Black Friday are both mandatory blackout days. Good thing I didn’t have any travel plans or I’d be minus a job. Sorry family is always number one, -=always=- . I cannot believe however that Christmas and New Year’s Day and eve are also blackout days too. My hope that 2021 does not follow 2020 in more ways than one.
My hope to get the project back off the ground is slim, but I want to try to do this. Now that I have hardware that will almost match Bruce’s rig I might be able to start mapping? Going to try anyways, here is to hoping. Also got a Christmas gift early from #DavidStrife7 check him on twitch! Got me #TheOuterWorlds I have been wanting to get that all year. Oh and final result on the z400 HP WorkStation? It is operational and using the 970tx NVidia Bruce sent me. Got a 1050ti 4 gig on the Home PC need to find 1 more Monitor for a 180 degree view and will then install the NVidia 3D Vision hardware next. I really do need to also get back to streaming on my twitch account as well. Back work, no rest for the wicked and insane.
Yea been awhile huh? Well……how can I say this? I don’t like myself at the moment. I mean really! I’m 52 I am stuck in a dead end job and the only reason I keep it because of medical benefits for my family and daughter ONLY reason. I’ve had several offers to go to Goldman Sach’s and work there for 29/30 $ an hour only catch no benefits for a year and that’s only a maybe with this company they could say sorry after a year of service we don’t need you and off to the trash pile with me.
I started on my game project over 14 years ago and 3 game engines later now, and I have nothing but assets and no alpha to show. I am ashamed of myself because I wanted to be someone that left some type of mark on the world that my kids could be proud of and I am in reality is some overage man child with dreams of grandeur that will never be because I don’t have the attention span needed to do what I need to commit to. I can take machines plug them in diagnose the very likely issue and get them back up to stuff, but I am not Brainiac either.
I don’t feel worthy for this place again, and all I want to do is shove myself in a box and just bury myself and be forgotten, but if I do that I hurt people that love me, so I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don’t and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Still working on the z400 Work station, applied to Netflix didn’t get the job. Don’t know why I know I have the qualifications, I have Netflix, and I know how to troubleshoot connection, and software issues. I don’t get it, I’m a team player, I’m open to new techniques, I just don’t understand. Anyways, yea things at home are on the whole are good, Naomi and Megan are working and taking their generals at the local colleges. Valetine’s Day is today and I’m taking Ronda to a Paint Date night and a light bite to eat.
I’m learning to UV unwrap models to help Bruce out with building the prototype map and getting models setup and ready for use in UE4/Project. But, we’re still working on that prototype and have to give kudos to Bruce for sticking with me on this. I’ve also been a bit vocal with the recent political scene, and I apologize, not for my views but for the way I voiced them. I am not happy with the way the country is currently and I will leave it at that here.
Deanna still working on her Novel(s) and such, I am hopeful she’ll be employed soon, and be able to do the things she’d like to do in life. Her laptop has busted a hinge again, but this time instead of getting it repaired for her birthday present, she wanted other things. I am hopeful that this is a sign that she is moving forward to wanting a job and being able to get the laptop she wants to have VS what she has at the moment.
Getting back into Adobe after Effects, testing out what information I have still have in this noggin of mine. Seems my wife found an article on Soda and funny thing there is something in Mt. Dew that supposedly affects memory, well that could explain a WHOLE lot of things over the past 20 plus years of my life. Still weaning myself off the stuff, and I will be off it totally at some point soon. I did it with cigarettes I can do with soda (But damn them for making it SO additive.)
My hope is also to live to see a grandchild or two as well. I want to be able to live till 2040 (Yea I know you that know me get the in joke) afterwards yea I’m ok with leaving this plane of existence. But I’d like to live long enough to see my kids grown and my grandkids as well knowing they have a decent life ahead of them rather than some apocalyptic wasteland real life fallout is not something I would look forward to. 😉
More and more people are just debating everything our supposedly (fairly) elected Leader is doing is good for our country. I don’t think so, for one he’s wanting to abolish mandatory vaccination against various diseases and medical conditions? Seriously? So you mean to tell me you want give people the choice on whether or not they want to be protected from Polio, bacterium Yersinia pestis, Vaccinia, Zoster Measles, mumps, rubella? If you want to be one of those who chooses to not get vaccinated, move away from me if you please. I’m not going to risk my family to exposure from you. I believe in vaccination, and preventive medicine.
As far as like NASA goes, he wants to have privately ran companies to run the space station? Are you nuts? Literally, how are you going to train them before they go up? Just because Elon musk launched a tesla into space that gives everyone else that has a wallet that could choke Cthulhu can go or should go to space. Wtf do you think this is Elysium? I cannot believe trump would be that stupid, oh wait yes I can! Some will say will Obama cutting funding for NASA during his terms, yea and he also realized what a mistake it was to do so and reeled that back in a bit. There are many more subjects I could touch base with and trigger others with as well, it’s not my intention to trigger any one of you reading this, I’m however giving you my opinion of the current state of our country with is rather sad and dangerous in some aspects as well.
As much as I’d love to go back to a 80’s type economy and Country Structure, I don’t think it will be feasible with the current in charge of sitting in the seat of power. When I heard about the Missile alert in Hawaii, I won’t lie I was actually scared a bit shitless and peed a little, because btw him and that other country leader (he who shall not be spoken of) can’t get along even at a political or courteous level have such extremes they go to piss each other off with. It is my fear that this planet will have a very serious problem because of Donald trump and his stance with the way he wants the country ran.
Here we are again at the closing of the year and the 4th Quarter. So far, our new President and Commander in Chief has alienated not only those that didn’t vote for him, but his own supporters. Thanks for bringing us on the verge of WWIII, appointing a woman with no real knowledge on the environment, and some Lawyer that wants to line his own phat pockets with corporate money by killing #Netneutrality and allowing corporation to dictate what “we” can and cannot view on the internet.
We’re already stepped back Forty years plus since #DonaldTrump aka #TheHumanCheeto took office he’s fucked up medical benefits, he’s downright insulted our military vets, he’s against LGBT communities, he’s fucked up more policies and caused more issues for the country than any president –ever-. I didn’t vote for his stupid ass, the guy’s got some serious issues he brought to the oval office that should have been kept out. Now he’s got this #AjitPai as the head of the FCC? Are fucking nuts? First to Second Quarter two journalists filed actual lawsuits against the FCC for failure to comply with Freedom of Information Act requests on the same topic, one of where information about the FCC’s says that a supposed DDoS attack took its commenting system offline. Ajit Pai’s FCC has has little to no concern for the American people.
You want do your part on trying to keep net neutrality? https://www.battleforthenet.com/ ß Join the battle, make your Voice heard, do something, do not be the sheep #trump and #AjitPai want you to be and become part of their #1984 wet dream. I am still under the opinion that Russia had a major influence in getting their meat puppet #DonaldTrump into office and the fact that he’s still in office and not impeached is still beyond this blogger’s mind. Do what you can to stop this shit or at least impede the process the asshats in office have started. I don’t want my children nor your children living in something that resembled the bleak times of the 60’s and 70’s eras. You let these asshats do whatever the fuck they want, they’ll have everything slammed shut and fake news everywhere and you will not know what truth is and what’s bullshit Political propaganda. yea I know the images are a tad over the top, but then again look at what we let walk into the Oval Office.
What up peepers? I decided to blog after the trip back from Florida for a our girls Vacation. It was a great time, 2 days at Disneyworld. We got to see Pandora the Avatar Theme area, including the mecha Exo suits by the Eatery and Gift Shoppe. We checked out the animal preserve there as well. I did get some great pictures of the animals despite having a shitty iPhone 5C and its shit connection.
It was super humid there as well. The humidity was great for the girls and completion but the heat combined was awful. Ronda and I did escape from the girls for a day and went to Nasa Space Center there at the same time Mike Pence decided to show up and give some little speech on how cool it was that we finally got SpaceX launched finally have 2 horrible tries before. We even got to sit in on a talk with Ken Cameron Three time Space shuttle pilot and a Photo Op as well.
We went to Universal got some nice photos and some Video Footage of Diagon alley. I was able to get some of my butterbeer addiction going as well. The girls got some new wands and we did go to Honeyduke’s and The 3 Broomsticks got some new items for the Hogwarts section of our book case in the office downstairs. Funny thing though, Disney and Universal both having Marvel licenses neither one had anything with Stark Industries on the gift items. No Window Decals, no backpacks, nothing. I was sorely disappointed. I did however get a patch from NASA, which will go on my at some point leather jacket that I would wear during fall and winter, along with some of my other fandom fictional Corporations.
The flight back as a bit bumpy and instead of arriving early as predicted we ended up being 15 minutes late due to some light malfunction. Part of our larger luggage got slightly damaged nothing too noticeable. We ended up crashing when we got home. I ended up going to work instead of staying home and sleeping and a good thing too as I didn’t know this but my paid time off had ran out. So I ended up that week working 82+ hours and sleeping that Saturday in a bit till nine am in the morning. Well business is back to normal; Ronda’s watering the lawns while we try to recover them back to a nice green shade rather than the dead hue of fried hay. I was checking craigslist and ran across an excellent find. A 42 inch Plasma screen Video Panel with s video and rca hook ups no HDMI though. Figure that would go great with my oldest’s console rather than that busted up 50 inch Sony with a busted color wheel in it. I will find a way to get rid of that TV.
I also got a Nokia Lumina 512 to replace that shit iPhone of mine. It is a Windows 8 as well. I decided to try that out for a bit before going back to Android. Now have to find a replacement monitor for myself something nice 32 inches or more would be ideal, anyways that is all for now till Aug.
It’s Tuesday, I had my follow up appointment with the Doctor. I’m now officially a type II Diabetic and will be taking Metformin and another Med to take as well as a Meter to check my A1C and Glucose levels as well. I refuse to give in and I will beat this back to normal mark my words. I have started to ween myself off Mt. Dew for good, I have started off just with lemon infused water and have started to watch what I eat more and less food more tiny meals.
But I still feel depressed about this, doesn’t matter how much people say you’ll be better because of this, or good for you, because till I get this beat I am still 4x more prone to a heart attack or stroke now and that scares me to death. My dad has had a few of them already and had some severe blockage to the point that he can’t do any colonoscopies for fear he will bleed out with the meds they have him on.
My Wife’s been Diabetic for 14 yrs. 4 yrs. after the twins were born and sure with the food change the Doctor she had at the time had her on a strict regime and such and she lost weight with it but she as at the same sad, angry, just not her happy self and it wasn’t till she was able to find her happy place that she could be who she was and have the middle space and watch how she eats and what she drinks (Which can sometimes just ruin her.) Thing is I can’t see past myself right now, all I can think about is “am I ok? Am I going to be all right?” and all I can say to myself is I don’t know anymore. So even though I am setting these small goals I still feel helpless.
And I fear that if my mother in law finds out? Oh the shit will hit the fan and I don’t what I will do because the one I do not want is her getting involved in this at all or at any level. Because she goes on the tracks or diet plans and such and then attempts to get everyone else she knows that’s diabetic to join on in and well guess what? I just don’t want to deal with it, I have seen how she treats her own daughter and all I want to do is tell her to lay off and let everyone live the way they want and eat the way they want and let them make their own choices in life.
My colonoscopy is set for the 19th, 1st one ever. I’m scared of what they will find there as well, it would be just my luck to find out I have colon cancer, as things are the way there are right now. I’ve even thought it might be a blessing if I did have something that would just kill me right away of natural causes so my wife and the girls would have the money to pay off the house and I could just be cremated and flushed the kids would have the money to go to college get the schooling they deserve, and be able to take care of their mother after I’m gone.
I know I know, I’m not going to “kill” myself or anything like that, but sometimes I do wonder what life here would be after all was said and done. I know I have hurt people out there I never even met in real life and have wanted to and apologize for lashing out or just being and out right dick from time to time. I make no excuses for how I treated people, I was in dark places a number of times where I did want to just “go away” or “Vanish” or when at places I had been a part of where one or two people had said “Why are you even here? No one likes you, you’re annoying, you’d be better off if you’d just die and be done with it” and they got away with saying that type of tripe and the worse part was I started to believe them and I had to just leave those places behind me.
Only recently have I made contact with some of the people I used to hang around with online and after almost 8 yrs. of being away and slowly making my way into what I think could be being friends I’m told I have these health issues and if I don’t take care of them properly I might see a chance to see or have grandkids. Right now I feel I am in a dark space and no one really out there feels what I am feeling at the moment.
Ok, it’s the day after Memorial Day and what’s been going on since the last time I posted here? Well I am on the Vonage project doing business VOIP Support for small to corporate level businesses. Our Twins are graduating High School in less than 60+ hours, I feel old and I know I shouldn’t but our kids are out of the basics for Life Education. However College is their choice and they will be walking down that path exploring what careers they want to choose. Other events have happened as well, some I will not go into so don’t ask please. Trying to clean up some of my younger adulthood items, RPG books, maybe 80% of my Comic Collection that I collected over the years. Just need to scale down the stuff in the house.
That being said, also cleaning the house room by room getting ready of that which is not needed of hold much sentimental value. I am building however another machine to assist with Media for the house. We’re getting rid of the cable TV and Land based phone system and going straight internet to help save on money as well as personal time. Allows us time to work on the lawn and the house maybe we’ll have enough to start on a new slab in the back yard as far as a patio/add on to the house is concerned and we can also work on the back fence add more privacy to the yard as well. Fix the front yard up with some cool flora that one of the twins brought home and some we bought at the high school greenhouse 10$ a flat is nothing to sneeze at that’s for sure.
ther news is I did finally see koe no katachi and I have to say that I thank my wife that I had a box a tissue available because the feels of it all were really there. This movie is indeed emotionally invoking, the walk thru of a walk thru on the daily events of the characters bring up similar situations I myself had encounters in my early teens years and could relate with the characters and story arc. I know I haven’t posted much here as of late and I apologize for that, real life has taken some steps into my time regarding blogging and the ilk. I have been able to tweet from here and there post up on facebook and such but drawn out articles and such have been long and in between. Hopefully within the next coming month, The Cybernauts PodCast will be back up with https://twitter.com/AndrewDuvall & https://twitter.com/jessiepridemore on the Podcast discussing #Politics, #Comedy and #Cosplay !