Two years, its already been two years.

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

It is already 2 years since my last posting? Well where to start off I been working at Morgan Stanley for roughly 2 years and then had a opportunity to go work at MDF which was the big mistake because 6 months later ”Got to let you go” no real reason just me and 2 others gone.  That was June of last year. What have I been doing since? Nothing save looking for a job 350,000 supposed NEW jobs out there and not one of these &^#$ will hire me! SO frustrated I can do VoIP, Active directory and cyber security and Internet Service Support for Crist sakes!

 

I am still streaming under the tag of Tehloen on twitch have less than 90 followers and been on for 2 yrs. but I’ll make it 101 followers someday and be able to use emotes …..One day.  I did get involved on Blue-sky; they just now opened to the public. I was to get a few fellow Waste landers to come over from twitter on over I use both but trying to leave twitter behind in the dust. I am back to using Stream labs Desktop *sigh* it would be nice if X-split was stable enough to stay connected and quite crashing during the middle of a stream. Then again there are times where Comcast fucks up and lags me to where I have to start the stream over or just not stream period, ergo my lack of content as of last, oh and I was banned on twitch channels of @GamingGranny56 and @BendyJenga both on twitter, reason unknown for Granny as far as Bendy goes well, I was a bit disrespectful when walking into the channel and not reading the room for a moment (ADHD moment) and was booted off. I made apologies but that didn’t cut it (Right mim!) I told I would self-exile from her twitch and twitter and not be bothered by me again.  Trying to keep my own words and adhere to what I said.

Mentally how am I? Probably the same as anyone who has lost the parent (Yea still grieving) they could talk with and feel normal when talking or discussing things of personal / private in nature. I’m angry I have a number of medical conditions I refuse to talk about (don’t ask please.) I frustrated that these %##@ places that say “Oh Hey you’re perfect for this position” and apply and then either get ghosted or be told sorry you don’t have the skills. FUCK THAT SHIT! I have skills, some more than others, and I am willing to work overtime and such. I have been awarded a number of times from different employers for my technical AND my client support skills.  What the fuck does it take to get a god damn job that is technically based and remote!?!  I am betting it’s because I’m 57 there is age discrimination but try proving that to the BBB!  I need to be able to work remotely to keep a tab on matter I am not at liberty to discuss, but ideally making 40K and working remotely to take care things after work hours and being able to have some control is needed currently until others have their licenses and can drive themselves without problems.

 

I have been talking @C27Penn, @Mawtater, @ThiccMethod to name a few from the SlothCrew and #FalloutForHope team for St. Judes charity has kept me from going off the rails at times where I just want to destroy everything  say fuck it and just drive and keep driving and I don’t what afterwards.  Yea I know we’re not supposed to think like that, we’re 57 we’re supposed to be mature enough and  rational enough to not have those thoughts, but they happen and if I am being honest no real amount of meds will change it now either. I don’t make excuses for my behavior, I can be an ass sometimes, but I try to keep that reeled in, been bully and talked down to too many times to not realize when I become one and have to self-contain that which wishes to “Rip and Tear” till all is gone from the despair.  That’s all for now ranting is over. Doubt anyone will see this.

ROE VS WADE and the possible future.

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

I am not going to go off the rails I swear I will not go off the rails on this matter. But why, and I will ask again WHY!?  It was Justice Clarence Thomas, Justice Samuel Alito, Justice Neil M. Gorsuch, Justice Brett M. Kavanaugh, and Justice Amy Coney Barrett that’s who! These are the five individuals that 67 Votes each I think to be impeached and removed from office and have people, people with a realistic view, a view on moving forward towards a future, not retreating and backpedaling to a 1950’s MINDSET and where  WHITE Supremacy RULED THERE and I *did* say that’s where certain political parties want to go.  ROEVWADE next will the LGBTQ+ Then Segregation, and then the NRA and The KKK and Aryan race Supports will come out of the woodwork like the brood they are and have a field day.

You want that? Yea, I bet some of you do, and if that’s right? There is a unfollow and unfriend button right there in the menu. Don’t even talk to me about this, there is no way anybody will convince me that overturning Roe VS Wade was a good in any way shape or form and I blame TRUMP  yes that unholy rich human cheeto  by appointing those 3 stooges I mentioned and the 2 Knuckleheads that helped them.  IF it had been left to just the two it would have never been overturned and we’d not be having the shitshow of a shitstorm right now.  Equality for all by all and that is how it should be, YES there should be a ban on weapons, YES Equality and sustainable wages for all not just woman and/or minorities. YES “FREE” Health Care we would have had a great start but gee who screwed us out that T-R-U-M-P! YOU let him in and he fucked –everything and everyone- up and now he wants to try again!

To hell with that, I’d rather have Charles Manson, or God forbid Sun Myung Moon or Lee Harvey Oswald in charge of the nation than trump!  I am so sick and tired of people screwing this country up just when we’re going good getting a good stride then someone comes by and slams a sledgehammer in our kneecaps and repeatedly hits them till we can’t move.  Women? Their Body Their Choice! Guns? No there needs to be restrictions and if that means bringing back the death penalty to those that commit a crime and cause a fatality due to said weapon then no questions ask in the chair you got and either the switch gets pulled or the needle gets injected. HATE Crimes?  Yea Prosecute, and place in the part of the penal colony that the prep inflicted the hurt upon and let THEM sort it out proper like.  Again, my personal feelings on the matter. You don’t like it there is an unsubscribe/unfollow/unfriend/BLOCK option on the platforms I am on.  I am someone that wants a better world for my children, and your views of the world do NOT reflect mine. You know what to do if you don’t like what you just read, Bye snowflake don’t melt on the way out the door.    

#WomansRights #LGBTQCommunity #AbortionLaws #EthnicalDiscrimination #BADPOLITICS

Here I am again eight months later

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

It’s been awhile, there have been some very serious events in the last year. still not handling my dad’s passing well. Don’t know really whats going on with mom and my brother, it’s almost a year and hasn’t talked with either of them.  Don’t even know what is going on with Dad’s remains as of yet since he donated his body to science no really he donated his body to the Medical College and they will cremate his remains and hand him back to my mother at some point I guess? My brother (Bruce) is having his 2nd kid on the way, Congrats to him and SpecialK and Caleb being a new Big brother too!

Ken has had some serious private matters as well. I know where he is because I am still currently. Part of the reason why the Cybernauts have been so quiet for past year or so.  Covid, loss of family, loss of employment and maybe just a bit mental stability too. Been trying to keep my shit together by keep in touch with my aunt but its not the same, I tried to talk with bruce on the weekends because it feels like I am talking with family but he’s too busy to talk with work and again with a 2nd child on the way. Robert’s gone, Dan is moved up north, rest of gang are too busy to join up and explore the wasteland with me it seems these days either.

I ended up at Morgan Stanley after getting back from back east. I ended up thru two departments helping out here and there. Now I am training for tech Support. Week 1 isn’t even over yet and we ran into problems, but we’re catching up.  It will be a good but hard 1.5 month of training and will be worth it. The only bad part about this is I am still a “Contingent” employee even after being there for 9 months now.

I am setting a certain date rage and if I am not hired FT Perm with MS? I will be looking for a place that will hire me on as a permanent employee. Don’t get me wrong, I like being employed, but I also like feel like belonging as well and being a temp doesn’t really vibe the whole “ I feel like I belong”.

I discovered twitch if I haven’t mentioned it yet, but o twitch its TehLoen (Yea I typo’ed it out on purpose.)  I cuss a lot, and rage quit sometimes, but always love hanging with my wasteland buds in the #FalloutCommunities on Twitch.  Should check out #ThiccMethod #MawTater #c27Penn  and there are tons more to check out as well,  I am going to leave this entry with a link to Star trek The Animated Series OST from Ray Ellis. 5:38 is one of my Fave tracks and 6:29 you’ll just have to listen to understand…..

Hello world …..Yea I guess I am still here.

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

What do I say?  Hi again, is been some time. I’ve left tesla went back to CSS, worked for an account I hated, my father‘s health going to hell in a handbasket, stress started to build from there. Money was starting to be a real issue to me anyways. I felt/feel I don’t do enough in the world for my family, that I am still just a failure of a human being. Dad passed away on 6/3/21 at 18:54 Pm EST at the Tenn. VA Hospital in Johnson City TN. I won’t go into too many details. We went back to see if we could help get dad’s and well I’ll just say we ended up spending time with my wife’s side of the family. There is not one day since I got the news I haven’t just broke down and cried like the pathetic excuse of a person I am.

I stop myself on weekends because I want to grab the phone and call dad and talk to him about how the week went, and what was he up to? What project was he currently working on to improve the house him and mom bought 25+ Years ago? He was 82 but to me he was still in his 40’s strong, smart, figuring out new concepts and steps to better repair jets and such.  Then I catch myself realizing no, I can’t do that anymore. Dad’s gone, I tried starting by calling Bruce, but he’s too busy to be bothered with me. Can’t blame he’s got his own family to tend to and he’s been promoted after being headhunted by some rival 3D Studio. He’s Loyal to Third floor though; all I can do is wish him luck moving forward.  

I’m working for a financial firm now and making almost the same as I was when I was at tesla. Hopefully I will be brought on as a permanent staffer in the next 6 months.  It’s not easy work though. Stock market, bonds and and accounts. I’m helping assist big names out there in the world.  I know I can do this or I wouldn’t have survived this far through the training. I started getting some of my own affairs in order. Started selling off my anime VHS collection it was pretty big 4 Produce boxes stacked full down to about 1.5 now. Next will be the comics and manga I have collected during my younger years. I am thinking about investing the cash from that to a life insurance policy so my wife and kids are not burdened with my miserable remains. I will still trudge on, maybe this will pass maybe it will not all I know there is resentment, discontentment, rage, and utter sadness and loss in me currently and I do not dare let it out because I fear of what I would do if I let the floodgates open and pour out to the masses. 

For now, I’ll just have to “Suck it up” and deal with it.  Oh Here is a link to the latest melody in my playlist….. Thank you #MinetChan of Youtube,

2021 first post

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Sup? Yea I’m still breathing (Too bad for some of you and you know who you are “cowards”.) So let’s see, last time I posted was back just before Halloween. Since then I ended up from time to time back on Dex’s Discord server for CB, because you know, the chickenshits don’t dare let me on their precious discord server to interact and you know what? That’s fine, after reflecting and reading through some of the bullshit that was posted and to this day still being talked smack about?  I don’t need that type of toxicity in my life. I’m glad the FB group was made, and those that didn’t want to come around and join were the ones that pretty much were hateful and nay dare say in my opinion Bad examples of humanity.

https://hackspirit.com/am-i-toxic/

Tim still hides his profile on Facebook and will talk shit about me at the old community just like the majority save for a few that we do get along with and have decent conversations with.  Sure my grammar and typos kick in when I’m not focusing, but that’s me getting into a headspace and not paying attention, not an excuse just a reality.  The one I don’t talk about still refuting denies he has no problems with me, I just don’t bother or should I say refuse to bother with anymore because I’ll ended up having a stroke or something, wouldn’t that give them and those others something to laugh at?

Found Mim’s LJ again and believe it or not she was active on it as of just shy of a year ago.  So at least I know she’s alive. Left a message, but that’s all I can do.  Up to her on whether or not she wishes to talk when and if she sees it.  I’m glad my wife seems to be enjoying her new job and position. Although, sometimes I think she wants to be at the office just so there is some change in the routine. The whole work from home process can get to people from time to time, but that’s normal.

I am definitely catching up on my Streaming watch list I can tell you that!  A few mentions, like TOON – Netflix,  WandaVision – Disney+ a few others as well.  One movie (More like short film) I want to see is Willy’s Wonderland with Nicholas Cage it’s only 80 mins long but has the look and feel of a PRE-FNAF movie. The musical talent has some kick ass rock tracks. Willy’s Wonderland theme is rather creepy almost like a certain Mouse Mascot Pizza place back from the late 80’s was. Waiting for the release date to see if there will be any OST or BGM tracks out there, the one in the trailer is pretty cool.

Enough rant time back to work.

Covid 19

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Covid 19, 2020, trump, it can all go fuck itself to hell in a hand basket and back.  That and I got fed up with a certain someone who just couldn’t and wouldn’t move on and just acts like a jackass to get their jollies and laughs. After 9 years wow “nine” years of just trying to ignore them just didn’t cut it, I had to remove them from a group chat, I left a discord server we were on, the only thing I haven’t done yet is kick them to the curb from the group as a whole .  You would thing after 38 comments going back and forth they would have bought a clue or at least a vowel?  But they didn’t, they even went to lengths as to create a FB Alt  in case if I was feeling evil and wished to kick said person from the group there would be their ALT  to stand in their stead!  

I’m not that much of dick, unless pushed prodded and attacked; lord knows I have had my fair share. Halloween is literally around the corner and it’s sad the heating in house is out no heat we’ve been doing the blanket beds for the last few nights. Come to find out the company the home warranty sent out said our “Zone Controller” was out and a specialist was needed give us our 75$.  We called a company we had out before and did a great job in the past and they said we didn’t even have a “Zone controller” due to how the setup was. We just needed to adjust some levers and test some electrical contacts to make sure juice was going thru properly. So, hopefully warm house tonight in a few hours.

Our Hallows eve will consist of #TheMadalorian S2 and candy and soda and no lights on downstairs with the doors locked and having a shut in of a time this year. Seems also I will be working all the holidays this year, plus no time off as an option I went to the calendar and Thanksgiving and Black Friday are both mandatory blackout days. Good thing I didn’t have any travel plans or I’d be minus a job. Sorry family is always number one, -=always=- . I cannot believe however that Christmas and New Year’s Day and eve are also blackout days too. My hope that 2021 does not follow 2020 in more ways than one.

My hope to get the project back off the ground is slim, but I want to try to do this. Now that I have hardware that will almost match Bruce’s rig I might be able to start mapping? Going to try anyways, here is to hoping. Also got a Christmas gift early from #DavidStrife7    check him on twitch! Got me #TheOuterWorlds I have been wanting to get that all year. Oh and final result on the z400 HP WorkStation? It is operational and using the 970tx NVidia Bruce sent me.  Got a 1050ti 4 gig on the Home PC need to find 1 more Monitor for a 180 degree view and will then install the NVidia 3D Vision hardware next.  I really do need to also get back to streaming on my twitch account as well.  Back work, no rest for the wicked and insane.

Been awhile….again

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Hi,

 

Yea been awhile huh? Well……how can I say this? I don’t like myself at the moment.  I mean really! I’m 52 I am stuck in a dead end job and the only reason I keep it because of medical benefits for my family and daughter ONLY reason. I’ve had several offers to go to Goldman Sach’s and work there for 29/30 $ an hour only catch no benefits for a year and that’s only a maybe with this company they could say sorry after a year of service we don’t need you and off to the trash pile with me.

 

I started on my game project over 14 years ago and 3 game engines later now, and I have nothing but assets and no alpha to show. I am ashamed of myself because I wanted to be someone that left some type of mark on the world that my kids could be proud of and I am in reality is some overage man child with dreams of grandeur that will never be because I don’t have the attention span needed to do what I need to commit to.  I can take machines plug them in diagnose the very likely issue and get them back up to stuff, but I am not Brainiac either.

 

I don’t feel worthy for this place again, and all I want to do is shove myself in a box and just bury myself and be forgotten, but if I do that I hurt people that love me, so I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don’t  and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Life for now

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Still working on the z400 Work station, applied to Netflix didn’t get the job. Don’t know why I know I have the qualifications, I have Netflix, and I know how to troubleshoot connection, and software issues. I don’t get it, I’m a team player, I’m open to new techniques, I just don’t understand. Anyways, yea things at home are on the whole are good, Naomi and Megan are working and taking their generals at the local colleges. Valetine’s Day is today and I’m taking Ronda to a Paint Date night and a light bite to eat.

 

I’m learning to UV unwrap models to help Bruce out with building the prototype map and getting models setup and ready for use in UE4/Project. But, we’re still working on that prototype and have to give kudos to Bruce for sticking with me on this. I’ve also been a bit vocal with the recent political scene, and I apologize, not for my views but for the way I voiced them. I am not happy with the way the country is currently and I will leave it at that here.

 

Deanna still working on her Novel(s) and such, I am hopeful she’ll be employed soon, and be able to do the things she’d like to do in life. Her laptop has busted a hinge again, but this time instead of getting it repaired for her birthday present, she wanted other things.  I am hopeful that this is a sign that she is moving forward to wanting a job and being able to get the laptop she wants to have VS what she has at the moment.

 

Getting back into Adobe after Effects, testing out what information I have still have in this noggin of mine. Seems my wife found an article on Soda and funny thing there is something in Mt. Dew that supposedly affects memory, well that could explain a WHOLE lot of things over the past 20 plus years of my life. Still weaning myself off the stuff, and I will be off it totally at some point soon. I did it with cigarettes I can do with soda (But damn them for making it SO additive.)

 

 

My hope is also to live to see a grandchild or two as well. I want to be able to live till 2040 (Yea I know you that know me get the in joke) afterwards yea I’m ok with leaving this plane of existence.  But I’d like to live long enough to see my kids grown and my grandkids as well knowing they have a decent life ahead of them rather than some apocalyptic wasteland real life fallout is not something I would look forward to.  😉

Trump Year One, and it’s a been one…….

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

More and more people are just debating everything our supposedly (fairly) elected Leader is doing is good for our country.  I don’t think so, for one he’s wanting to abolish mandatory vaccination against various diseases and medical conditions? Seriously? So you mean to tell me you want give people the choice on whether or not they want to be protected from Polio, bacterium Yersinia pestis, Vaccinia, Zoster Measles, mumps, rubella? If you want to be one of those who chooses to not get vaccinated, move away from me if you please.  I’m not going to risk my family to exposure from you.  I believe in vaccination, and preventive medicine.

 

As far as like NASA goes, he wants to have privately ran companies to run the space station? Are you nuts?  Literally, how are you going to train them before they go up? Just because Elon musk launched a tesla into space that gives everyone else that has a wallet that could choke Cthulhu can go or should go to space. Wtf do you think this is Elysium? I cannot believe trump would be that stupid, oh wait yes I can! Some will say will Obama cutting funding for NASA during his terms, yea and he also realized what a mistake it was to do so and reeled that back in a bit.  There are many more subjects I could touch base with and trigger others with as well, it’s not my intention to trigger any one of you reading this, I’m however giving you my opinion of the current state of our country with is rather sad and dangerous in some aspects as well.

 

As much as I’d love to go back to a 80’s type economy and Country Structure, I don’t think it will be feasible with the current in charge of sitting in the seat of power. When I heard about the Missile alert in Hawaii, I won’t lie I was actually scared a bit shitless and peed a little, because btw him and that other country leader (he who shall not be spoken of)  can’t get along even at a political  or courteous level have such extremes they go to piss each other off with. It is my fear that this planet will have a very serious problem because of Donald trump and his stance with the way he wants the country ran.

Political Rant on #TheFCC & #netneutrality

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Here we are again at the closing of the year and the 4th Quarter. So far, our new President and Commander in Chief has alienated not only those that didn’t vote for him, but his own supporters.  Thanks for bringing us on the verge of WWIII, appointing a woman with no real knowledge on the environment, and some Lawyer that wants to line his own phat pockets with corporate money by killing #Netneutrality and allowing corporation to dictate what “we” can and cannot view on the internet.

Capture1

We’re already stepped back Forty years plus since #DonaldTrump aka #TheHumanCheeto took office he’s fucked up medical benefits, he’s downright insulted our military vets, he’s against LGBT communities, he’s fucked up more policies and caused more issues for the country than any president –ever-.  I didn’t vote for his stupid ass, the guy’s got some serious issues he brought to the oval office that should have been kept out. Now he’s got this #AjitPai as the head of the FCC? Are fucking nuts? First to Second Quarter two journalists filed actual lawsuits against the FCC for failure to comply with Freedom of Information Act requests on the same topic, one of where information about the FCC’s says that a supposed DDoS attack took its commenting system offline. Ajit Pai’s FCC has has little to no concern for the American people.

 

Capture

 

You want do your part on trying to keep net neutrality? https://www.battleforthenet.com/ ß Join the battle, make your Voice heard, do something, do not be the sheep #trump and #AjitPai want you to be and become part of their #1984 wet dream. I am still under the opinion that Russia had a major influence in getting their meat puppet #DonaldTrump into office and the fact that he’s still in office and not impeached is still beyond this blogger’s mind. Do what you can to stop this shit or at least impede the process the asshats in office have started. I don’t want my children nor your children living in something that resembled the bleak times of the 60’s and 70’s eras. You let these asshats do whatever the fuck they want, they’ll have everything slammed shut and fake news everywhere and you will not know what truth is and what’s bullshit Political propaganda. yea I know the images are a tad over the top, but then again look at what we let walk into the Oval Office.