hardships

Two years, its already been two years.

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

It is already 2 years since my last posting? Well where to start off I been working at Morgan Stanley for roughly 2 years and then had a opportunity to go work at MDF which was the big mistake because 6 months later ”Got to let you go” no real reason just me and 2 others gone.  That was June of last year. What have I been doing since? Nothing save looking for a job 350,000 supposed NEW jobs out there and not one of these &^#$ will hire me! SO frustrated I can do VoIP, Active directory and cyber security and Internet Service Support for Crist sakes!

 

I am still streaming under the tag of Tehloen on twitch have less than 90 followers and been on for 2 yrs. but I’ll make it 101 followers someday and be able to use emotes …..One day.  I did get involved on Blue-sky; they just now opened to the public. I was to get a few fellow Waste landers to come over from twitter on over I use both but trying to leave twitter behind in the dust. I am back to using Stream labs Desktop *sigh* it would be nice if X-split was stable enough to stay connected and quite crashing during the middle of a stream. Then again there are times where Comcast fucks up and lags me to where I have to start the stream over or just not stream period, ergo my lack of content as of last, oh and I was banned on twitch channels of @GamingGranny56 and @BendyJenga both on twitter, reason unknown for Granny as far as Bendy goes well, I was a bit disrespectful when walking into the channel and not reading the room for a moment (ADHD moment) and was booted off. I made apologies but that didn’t cut it (Right mim!) I told I would self-exile from her twitch and twitter and not be bothered by me again.  Trying to keep my own words and adhere to what I said.

Mentally how am I? Probably the same as anyone who has lost the parent (Yea still grieving) they could talk with and feel normal when talking or discussing things of personal / private in nature. I’m angry I have a number of medical conditions I refuse to talk about (don’t ask please.) I frustrated that these %##@ places that say “Oh Hey you’re perfect for this position” and apply and then either get ghosted or be told sorry you don’t have the skills. FUCK THAT SHIT! I have skills, some more than others, and I am willing to work overtime and such. I have been awarded a number of times from different employers for my technical AND my client support skills.  What the fuck does it take to get a god damn job that is technically based and remote!?!  I am betting it’s because I’m 57 there is age discrimination but try proving that to the BBB!  I need to be able to work remotely to keep a tab on matter I am not at liberty to discuss, but ideally making 40K and working remotely to take care things after work hours and being able to have some control is needed currently until others have their licenses and can drive themselves without problems.

 

I have been talking @C27Penn, @Mawtater, @ThiccMethod to name a few from the SlothCrew and #FalloutForHope team for St. Judes charity has kept me from going off the rails at times where I just want to destroy everything  say fuck it and just drive and keep driving and I don’t what afterwards.  Yea I know we’re not supposed to think like that, we’re 57 we’re supposed to be mature enough and  rational enough to not have those thoughts, but they happen and if I am being honest no real amount of meds will change it now either. I don’t make excuses for my behavior, I can be an ass sometimes, but I try to keep that reeled in, been bully and talked down to too many times to not realize when I become one and have to self-contain that which wishes to “Rip and Tear” till all is gone from the despair.  That’s all for now ranting is over. Doubt anyone will see this.

Trump Year One, and it’s a been one…….

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

More and more people are just debating everything our supposedly (fairly) elected Leader is doing is good for our country.  I don’t think so, for one he’s wanting to abolish mandatory vaccination against various diseases and medical conditions? Seriously? So you mean to tell me you want give people the choice on whether or not they want to be protected from Polio, bacterium Yersinia pestis, Vaccinia, Zoster Measles, mumps, rubella? If you want to be one of those who chooses to not get vaccinated, move away from me if you please.  I’m not going to risk my family to exposure from you.  I believe in vaccination, and preventive medicine.

 

As far as like NASA goes, he wants to have privately ran companies to run the space station? Are you nuts?  Literally, how are you going to train them before they go up? Just because Elon musk launched a tesla into space that gives everyone else that has a wallet that could choke Cthulhu can go or should go to space. Wtf do you think this is Elysium? I cannot believe trump would be that stupid, oh wait yes I can! Some will say will Obama cutting funding for NASA during his terms, yea and he also realized what a mistake it was to do so and reeled that back in a bit.  There are many more subjects I could touch base with and trigger others with as well, it’s not my intention to trigger any one of you reading this, I’m however giving you my opinion of the current state of our country with is rather sad and dangerous in some aspects as well.

 

As much as I’d love to go back to a 80’s type economy and Country Structure, I don’t think it will be feasible with the current in charge of sitting in the seat of power. When I heard about the Missile alert in Hawaii, I won’t lie I was actually scared a bit shitless and peed a little, because btw him and that other country leader (he who shall not be spoken of)  can’t get along even at a political  or courteous level have such extremes they go to piss each other off with. It is my fear that this planet will have a very serious problem because of Donald trump and his stance with the way he wants the country ran.

Stardate 95033.02

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

It’s Tuesday, I had my follow up appointment with the Doctor. I’m now officially a type II Diabetic and will be taking Metformin and another Med to take as well as a Meter to check my A1C and Glucose levels as well. I refuse to give in and I will beat this back to normal mark my words. I have started to ween myself off Mt. Dew for good, I have started off just with lemon infused water and have started to watch what I eat more and less food more tiny meals.

But I still feel depressed about this, doesn’t matter how much people say you’ll be better because of this, or good for you, because till I get this beat I am still 4x more prone to a heart attack or stroke now and that scares me to death. My dad has had a few of them already and had some severe blockage to the point that he can’t do any colonoscopies for fear he will bleed out with the meds they have him on.

My Wife’s been Diabetic for 14 yrs. 4 yrs. after the twins were born and sure with the food change the Doctor she had at the time had her on a strict regime and such and she lost weight with it but she as at the same sad, angry, just not her happy self and it wasn’t till she was able to find her happy place that she could be who she was and have the middle space and watch how she eats and what she drinks (Which can sometimes just ruin her.) Thing is I can’t see past myself right now, all I can think about is “am I ok? Am I going to be all right?” and all I can say to myself is I don’t know anymore. So even though I am setting these small goals I still feel helpless.

And I fear that if my mother in law finds out? Oh the shit will hit the fan and I don’t what I will do because the one I do not want is her getting involved in this at all or at any level. Because she goes on the tracks or diet plans and such and then attempts to get everyone else she knows that’s diabetic to join on in and well guess what? I just don’t want to deal with it, I have seen how she treats her own daughter and all I want to do is tell her to lay off and let everyone live the way they want and eat the way they want and let them make their own choices in life.
My colonoscopy is set for the 19th, 1st one ever. I’m scared of what they will find there as well, it would be just my luck to find out I have colon cancer, as things are the way there are right now. I’ve even thought it might be a blessing if I did have something that would just kill me right away of natural causes so my wife and the girls would have the money to pay off the house and I could just be cremated and flushed the kids would have the money to go to college get the schooling they deserve, and be able to take care of their mother after I’m gone.

I know I know, I’m not going to “kill” myself or anything like that, but sometimes I do wonder what life here would be after all was said and done. I know I have hurt people out there I never even met in real life and have wanted to and apologize for lashing out or just being and out right dick from time to time. I make no excuses for how I treated people, I was in dark places a number of times where I did want to just “go away” or “Vanish” or when at places I had been a part of where one or two people had said “Why are you even here? No one likes you, you’re annoying, you’d be better off if you’d just die and be done with it” and they got away with saying that type of tripe and the worse part was I started to believe them and I had to just leave those places behind me.

Only recently have I made contact with some of the people I used to hang around with online and after almost 8 yrs. of being away and slowly making my way into what I think could be being friends I’m told I have these health issues and if I don’t take care of them properly I might see a chance to see or have grandkids. Right now I feel I am in a dark space and no one really out there feels what I am feeling at the moment.

hello …..

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Hello to those that follow this WP blog. It’s been pretty much a shitty moment it time recently. I had to finally pay that 175.00 of 210.00 for the accident I was involved in back in Feb. We purchased our tickets for Anime Banzai for October, even though money is/was tight, it is one the few times in the year we get to de-stress and get away from the everyday grind and routine.

My wife’s niece April passed away at age 22, no one should ever have to go through outliving their child(ren). Her mother is heartbroken as it is after losing her mother last year around this exact time as well. The service was nice, the funeral was as expected, and we did get to see relatives we had not seen in just under a year. This brings a lot in perspective as you get older.

A Buddy & Co-worker brought back the pc tower I lent him for 3d Printing options. It didn’t work well for him in Vista 64 Bit. I am really considering transferring my HDD with windows 10 on it and throwing my 2 gig PCIE Video card and work from that PC and then retire the old family dell and put my old tower in its place.

I got a raise at work as well, felt pretty cool about that. Hopefully I will get back to working weekdays instead of through the weekend. People are cheering that trump is leading in the presidential race and that it will be between Clinton and Sanders on who will be his arch-nemesis during the elections. I’m sorry I want neither Clinton nor trump in office. I do not think they are good for America. Anyways, that’s what’s going on at this point and time.

so yea……

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Yea hey,

It’s me again, been busy working Overtime and more Overtime. We finally got around to replacing one the doors on the house which was indeed need of replacing not repairing “replacing”. Sunday was a fine example of frustration, I am doing the dishes and the water just stops yet you can still hear it, I look under the sink and that $!#(%^@ Sprayer hose has popped off the faucet and I end up with a 20 minute clean up session under the sink in the kitchen. I did call the faucet company and told them that the faucet (in my opinion) has a defect since it is the 2 time replacing the sprayer attachment for this sink.

On top of that, I have been working from 4/4/16 to current and I will not be off till Thursday and that means I am working Saturday so that also means I have to move the cosplay meeting down to later in the day or on a week that I actually CAN A FREAKING WEEKEND OFF AGAIN ! (Huffing angrily ) but I get we need coverage, I just wished that some of the people we hired weren’t fucking crazy or bails because oh gee the job I wanted and paid more came through. I just want my weekends back that’s all, is that so much to ask for? I guess so, for now this is me and this me disgruntled.

A Moment of Truth from the past.

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

OK, ignore that #CharlieChaplin  who seems to be portraying Adolf Hitler,  but is rather playing a jewish barber. Please #Listen to what is being saying #Politically . I for one have now at this point and time understand more to what he is saying, and I can say that I am taken back because what he is saying and I can see how the world is currently. It invokes a depression in one when thinking upon the truth of what is being said in the video and realizing just what is going on currently in world affairs today.

In my opinion 35 years ago the country and the world was a better place to live in. Now we just have puppets in office doing what the corporations want rather that what is good for the country and global good, leading the global lemmings in their dream like states buying engaging and consuming, rinse lather repeat, not actually seeing the corruption that is happening out there.

 

The deals being made behind closed doors, the terrorists, the destruction, the greed that has corrupted the hearts and souls of today’s society singular not plural because at one point we were “one” society working to benefit humankind not tear it down, not ruin that which was given to us to make choices towards a better future.

 

All I have seen over the past decades is a world that has going to hell in a hand basket and feel like there is not much I can do about it, but if this  helps open up the eyes of  few, wake them up to ways or paths on how to correct the path we are going down then in some small way I feel like I have helped push ourselves from the bring of self extinction.

 

Because realistically the human race not just countries, the planet as a whole is on a road to extinction. Take it leave it, I am posting it up because this is something I’ve known for a bit but finally decided to share my opinion on it. #GlobalWakeUp   #BecomeAStrongerPlanet I doubt many will understand nor even share or reply to this, but one can hope that the population sees this as one truth to current state of the world as it is now.

Update from the past 2 months

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Ok, so what has been going on since June? I was laid off on June 5th and applied for unemployment and was denied not because I was laid off on the contrary. I was denied because someone said I had applied for a posting they placed up on craigslist and then refused the offered. I placed in a dispute on and still no word back on it.  Meh, I got a job with teleperformance that started on the 6th of July worked it till Friday and placed in my notice. Why? Because of the stress I was under I was falling asleep like 10 pm (But in bed by 9 usually) and waking up at 3:00 / 3:30 am and then just lying there awake till 5 so I put my clothes on and left the house to be there at 6 am till 2:30 pm for 12.00 a hour.

Reason I mainly left was also an offer from a Tech Support Center near my house and one of my old jobs.  Starting is 14.00 an hour with a 500.00 sign on bonus 250.00 1st paycheck then the other on the 2nd paycheck, and I get PTO starting day one and benefits after 60 days. Better pay better opportunity better chance for advancement and it is dealing with business VOIP, which is what I dealt with to a good degree when I was working with Comcast. I start Thursday for 2 weeks of training and then to production! I feel good about this, and being back in tech support, plus this company has a number of internal employment positions I want to try for and move up by the end of the year. Anyways, that’s what’s been going on for the past 2 months.

Our 21st Wedding anniversary is coming up and I am not sure what to do!  I don’t want to do just a movie and dinner…… I’d like to take her out to Park City have a nice stroll maybe go to the top of the mountain and look over the whole of the Salt lake Valley Floor. I know what I do want to do, I want to be able to let her have the photo op and autograph of her choice during #SaltLakeComicon aka #SLCC15, we’re to have #ChrisEvans, #AlexKingston, #JohnBarrowman (Again and we love him for it.) there are whispers that #DavidTenant might show up as well! That would be most excellent indeed that we could add him to our #DoctorWho Photo Group collection.  Then in October there will be #AnimeBanzai not sure on the guest listing as of yet as it seems they have last year’s guest still listed, but I am betting there will be some changes here in the next month or so.  Well I got some work to do around the house and it won’t clean itself so I will leave it at that for now and hope some of you leave a comment or two on what you’ve been up to lately.