Yea been awhile huh? Well……how can I say this? I don’t like myself at the moment. I mean really! I’m 52 I am stuck in a dead end job and the only reason I keep it because of medical benefits for my family and daughter ONLY reason. I’ve had several offers to go to Goldman Sach’s and work there for 29/30 $ an hour only catch no benefits for a year and that’s only a maybe with this company they could say sorry after a year of service we don’t need you and off to the trash pile with me.
I started on my game project over 14 years ago and 3 game engines later now, and I have nothing but assets and no alpha to show. I am ashamed of myself because I wanted to be someone that left some type of mark on the world that my kids could be proud of and I am in reality is some overage man child with dreams of grandeur that will never be because I don’t have the attention span needed to do what I need to commit to. I can take machines plug them in diagnose the very likely issue and get them back up to stuff, but I am not Brainiac either.
I don’t feel worthy for this place again, and all I want to do is shove myself in a box and just bury myself and be forgotten, but if I do that I hurt people that love me, so I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don’t and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
It’s Tuesday, I had my follow up appointment with the Doctor. I’m now officially a type II Diabetic and will be taking Metformin and another Med to take as well as a Meter to check my A1C and Glucose levels as well. I refuse to give in and I will beat this back to normal mark my words. I have started to ween myself off Mt. Dew for good, I have started off just with lemon infused water and have started to watch what I eat more and less food more tiny meals.
But I still feel depressed about this, doesn’t matter how much people say you’ll be better because of this, or good for you, because till I get this beat I am still 4x more prone to a heart attack or stroke now and that scares me to death. My dad has had a few of them already and had some severe blockage to the point that he can’t do any colonoscopies for fear he will bleed out with the meds they have him on.
My Wife’s been Diabetic for 14 yrs. 4 yrs. after the twins were born and sure with the food change the Doctor she had at the time had her on a strict regime and such and she lost weight with it but she as at the same sad, angry, just not her happy self and it wasn’t till she was able to find her happy place that she could be who she was and have the middle space and watch how she eats and what she drinks (Which can sometimes just ruin her.) Thing is I can’t see past myself right now, all I can think about is “am I ok? Am I going to be all right?” and all I can say to myself is I don’t know anymore. So even though I am setting these small goals I still feel helpless.
And I fear that if my mother in law finds out? Oh the shit will hit the fan and I don’t what I will do because the one I do not want is her getting involved in this at all or at any level. Because she goes on the tracks or diet plans and such and then attempts to get everyone else she knows that’s diabetic to join on in and well guess what? I just don’t want to deal with it, I have seen how she treats her own daughter and all I want to do is tell her to lay off and let everyone live the way they want and eat the way they want and let them make their own choices in life.
My colonoscopy is set for the 19th, 1st one ever. I’m scared of what they will find there as well, it would be just my luck to find out I have colon cancer, as things are the way there are right now. I’ve even thought it might be a blessing if I did have something that would just kill me right away of natural causes so my wife and the girls would have the money to pay off the house and I could just be cremated and flushed the kids would have the money to go to college get the schooling they deserve, and be able to take care of their mother after I’m gone.
I know I know, I’m not going to “kill” myself or anything like that, but sometimes I do wonder what life here would be after all was said and done. I know I have hurt people out there I never even met in real life and have wanted to and apologize for lashing out or just being and out right dick from time to time. I make no excuses for how I treated people, I was in dark places a number of times where I did want to just “go away” or “Vanish” or when at places I had been a part of where one or two people had said “Why are you even here? No one likes you, you’re annoying, you’d be better off if you’d just die and be done with it” and they got away with saying that type of tripe and the worse part was I started to believe them and I had to just leave those places behind me.
Only recently have I made contact with some of the people I used to hang around with online and after almost 8 yrs. of being away and slowly making my way into what I think could be being friends I’m told I have these health issues and if I don’t take care of them properly I might see a chance to see or have grandkids. Right now I feel I am in a dark space and no one really out there feels what I am feeling at the moment.
Hello, yea I know it’s been awhile again. Well Aug. 23rd I was laid off from my employer, don’t get me wrong it was a nice severance package I got but I’d have rather been moved to different Dept. rather than the unemployment line. I’ve been keeping busy with the household chores and cleaning of the laundry and daily actions and motions.
We did however finally get the kids rooms painted and having them moving their furniture to the new rooms finally as well. I thought it would take a year just to get that done and over with, but nope got it done in two days and lots of elbow grease. Now just have to clear the rest of their stuff from down here in the office and I’ll be happy.
I really get do however need to get back to work though, not just for the fact I like earning my keep, but I also like keeping busy and you can only go so far on a house with a limited budget. I had an interview this past Tuesday on the phone thought things went well, asked one thing “When would I be hearing back on this either way”. I was told 24 to 48 hours, gee its Saturday WAY past a two day period now huh? I personally hate that, it shows a lack of respect to the applicants who applied for the position.
I did have an “actual” in office interview on Friday for a software firm, they want someone with access and SQL experience and I have little not a lot of experience in that area. I also have two interviews on Monday one at one thirty in the afternoon and another down north at three thirty. Both Technical Support positions, both at what would fit my skill set to a tee. Pay is roughly what I was making at my old place of employment and one is even just down the street from me. (I’m crossing my fingers on that one.)
I would love to be able to have a chance to work from home again as well. I saw an advert for a at home Apple Advisor position and if I did get that? That would make my year.
I and the Mrs. are heading to a friend’s wedding in morning, and I hope it is spot on great weather wise. I had heard that it was to thunder and pour like crazy. So instead of Cosplaying as Arthur and Molly Weasely, we’re just going dressed nicely and all. The location is up between SLC and Provo and I think I and my wife are going to wear sneakers knowing the area the wedding is being held at.
Anyways, that’s it for now. I’ll be writing a convention report on Salt Lake City Comicon on the Cybernauts podcast WordPress shortly. Till then hope you’re enjoying your weekend.
I can’t sleep, I’m depressed, work is fine, however the projects for the dev team has slowed down a bit. I realize I’m growing older, yea I understand we all get older. Doesn’t mean we have to like it though. Contemplating going back to Xp or maybe trying Vista 64x to see if it is all the crap they say it is to be. I think I shall try to sleep, at least till I have to drive my oldest to school and see the twins off to school.
Madarame's Blog of musings 