friends

Two years, its already been two years.

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

It is already 2 years since my last posting? Well where to start off I been working at Morgan Stanley for roughly 2 years and then had a opportunity to go work at MDF which was the big mistake because 6 months later ”Got to let you go” no real reason just me and 2 others gone.  That was June of last year. What have I been doing since? Nothing save looking for a job 350,000 supposed NEW jobs out there and not one of these &^#$ will hire me! SO frustrated I can do VoIP, Active directory and cyber security and Internet Service Support for Crist sakes!

 

I am still streaming under the tag of Tehloen on twitch have less than 90 followers and been on for 2 yrs. but I’ll make it 101 followers someday and be able to use emotes …..One day.  I did get involved on Blue-sky; they just now opened to the public. I was to get a few fellow Waste landers to come over from twitter on over I use both but trying to leave twitter behind in the dust. I am back to using Stream labs Desktop *sigh* it would be nice if X-split was stable enough to stay connected and quite crashing during the middle of a stream. Then again there are times where Comcast fucks up and lags me to where I have to start the stream over or just not stream period, ergo my lack of content as of last, oh and I was banned on twitch channels of @GamingGranny56 and @BendyJenga both on twitter, reason unknown for Granny as far as Bendy goes well, I was a bit disrespectful when walking into the channel and not reading the room for a moment (ADHD moment) and was booted off. I made apologies but that didn’t cut it (Right mim!) I told I would self-exile from her twitch and twitter and not be bothered by me again.  Trying to keep my own words and adhere to what I said.

Mentally how am I? Probably the same as anyone who has lost the parent (Yea still grieving) they could talk with and feel normal when talking or discussing things of personal / private in nature. I’m angry I have a number of medical conditions I refuse to talk about (don’t ask please.) I frustrated that these %##@ places that say “Oh Hey you’re perfect for this position” and apply and then either get ghosted or be told sorry you don’t have the skills. FUCK THAT SHIT! I have skills, some more than others, and I am willing to work overtime and such. I have been awarded a number of times from different employers for my technical AND my client support skills.  What the fuck does it take to get a god damn job that is technically based and remote!?!  I am betting it’s because I’m 57 there is age discrimination but try proving that to the BBB!  I need to be able to work remotely to keep a tab on matter I am not at liberty to discuss, but ideally making 40K and working remotely to take care things after work hours and being able to have some control is needed currently until others have their licenses and can drive themselves without problems.

 

I have been talking @C27Penn, @Mawtater, @ThiccMethod to name a few from the SlothCrew and #FalloutForHope team for St. Judes charity has kept me from going off the rails at times where I just want to destroy everything  say fuck it and just drive and keep driving and I don’t what afterwards.  Yea I know we’re not supposed to think like that, we’re 57 we’re supposed to be mature enough and  rational enough to not have those thoughts, but they happen and if I am being honest no real amount of meds will change it now either. I don’t make excuses for my behavior, I can be an ass sometimes, but I try to keep that reeled in, been bully and talked down to too many times to not realize when I become one and have to self-contain that which wishes to “Rip and Tear” till all is gone from the despair.  That’s all for now ranting is over. Doubt anyone will see this.

Blah, depressed and sullen

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Ok, maybe it’s the weather. I don’t know at this point but as of late I feel like people have been ignoring me or attempting to avoid me on purpose and I’m just sick of it. If someone says to you sure! That sounds like a ton of fun! Count me in as onboard. That would tell me they want to help out and pitch in where they can be the most use of.

Well that’s all great and froddy, but I send an email on what is needed at the moment and I get no replies from anyone, nothing, nadda, zip, zilch. I’d just assume they tell me to fuck off and walk away than keep my hoping someone is actually going to work with me on this project. I don’t want empty promises and assurances; I want results and want some concrete results. I want to be able to write or at least assist in writing with the reviews up on the work being done by said X or Y. So, for the past 3 years we’ve got the following done my not completed.

1. Got the Cityscape that William Macphee did for the MegaTokyo204 Website into UE4 incomplete but within the editor.
2. Thru 2 Friends we have a number of weapons that need coding and maybe texturing.
3. We have at least 2 maybe 3 models to use in the map
4. Vehicles are there just not coded.

What we need is art plain and simple I know my character artist is doing what she needs to take care of for her and the upcoming event she is going to, so no ill will or feelings involved. I’d like to hear from the person however that said they’d love to do the environment art for MegaTokyo to help us map out MegaTokyo and design and assist in fleshing out new areas of the game and expanding out from RPG artwork to Game and Architectural Design concepts again. Person I’m referring to knows who they are I don’t need to call anyone out on this. I just want some results, some tangible I could post up and am like YES! This is awesome this is what I am striving to achieve!

But I think it’s all falling on deaf ears because no one gets back to me, I leave mgs on Facebook, it gets dismissed the only ones that seem to be listening to me and still show interest is Bruce and Dani, they seem to be the two people *truly* interested in this project and want to make it work want to see it through. I know they have their commissions to do, the freelance work and peeps are paying them for it and I know they have to work to keep up a living so I don’t press them for anything due to myself having no shinnies or munnys to commission them myself so I could see the work and I could get some of the new talent out there involved in mapping and coding to help them build up their portfolios. I’m done ranting I think I’ll go to a corner and just be depressed for a while.

Mood Swings……I hate Aug

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

End of the week Friday! Finally here and well welcomed, we get to pick up our twins from camp tomorrow morning from Girl Scout Camp. The place has been eerie and quite for the past week and I’m not sleeping well because of it, so I will be glad that they are back. Not because of the noise but more to the fact that they’re back home safe and sound.
Things are tight this month as well, for example, I’m not sending flowers to her work since our 16th wedding anniversary is this Sunday because well they’re going to die anyway afterwards. We will however buy 1 item for the house as a gift from and to both of us instead. My Birthday, forget it! It’s not happening; the budget is too tight to celebrate so we’re bypassing it. I do hope to get the ez-builder module for my Omnibot project before Christmas maybe, but rather doubtful.

My mother in law’s which 7 days is after mine we can celebrate to a degree. We bought her gifts few months back when we found them, which was smart too. We’ll more or less cook out and BBQ at her place for her birthday and watch a few movies. The girls will be able to spend time with grandma and then home.
I did get into the Rusty Hearts closed Beta. All I can say to you is that it’s fun and quite enjoyable. I’m hoping to get into the “Blacklight” closed Beta next! That’s been built on the UDK Engine and from the media clip, it looks AWESOME! I’m hopeful in that I’ll get chosen for that Beta. Got to thank Ali-sama one my older online friends since I moved to Utah for the Humble Bumble #3 Games pack for my birthday those games are going to be fun.

Which brings up the issue of friends, I have to say I have more “online” friends than I do in real time, meaning that there are friends of mine I can call and chat with in the real time, but not face to face and hang real time if that makes sense? I honestly can say I have friends in California more than I do here in Utah. This is my daily routine, its home Dad, Husband Handyman Homework with the kids when needed, chauffer at other times. No HEY lets go have a LAN party, or BBQs or getting together for group movie night at one the theaters. No, its stay at home slowly killing myself in the front of the TV.

If you think I’m ranting by now yea, you pretty much hit it on the head, I’m now ranting at not having a social life. At least in California, I could call up Robert, or Mark or both and we could get the group together and RPG or go to the movies and hang and have fun. I bet even now we’d been able to do that but as families for the most part while we try to set up those still in the single scene. But no, I’m stuck in social hell and to be honest and brutal I hate it here, I want to be somewhere else current than “here”. Life sucks and I’ll bitch about it if I like.

Just some reflection I suppose…….

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Just posting at work while relaxing after doing the backyard and finally cutting and leveling out the backyard and then the patio and brought the grill back out from the garage. My wife needed to get the garden planted but since the recent rains we’ve had mini weeds pop up. I took the time down to the wire with 20 mins to shower shave, sammwitch! And then drive to get my carpool and then to work on time.

Lyrics

Look at the world
It’s a complicated place
And it’s hard to keep the pace
You’ve got to wear a smiling face

But what we’ve got
Is a blue-light special on truth
It’s the hottest thing with the youth
You’ve got nervers we need to soothe

If you’ve got to believe in something
Believe in us we make it easy
Peace and love incorporated

Shop around
See if you don’t agree
We think it fits you to a “T”
And the best part is it’s free
I believe

We got the market cornered this time
We can make you feel fine
It could impact your bottom line

IF YOU GOT TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING
BELIEVE IN US CAUSE WE´LL MAKE IT EASY
If you’ve got to belong to something
Belong to us we’ll make you PC
Peace and love incorporated

Peace and love
It’s the newest cause by far
And we’ve got all the biggest stars
Get your politics up to par

IF YOU GOT TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING
BELIEVE IN US CAUSE WE´LL MAKE IT EASY
If you’ve got to belong to something
Belong to us AND we’ll make you PC
IF YOU GOT TO HAVE FAITH IN SOMETHING
HAVE FAITH IN US IT CAN BE SO EASY
Peace and love incorporated

(Chorus)
Welcome… to Peace and love incorporated
—————————————-

Here is something I got to talk about and ask out there. If you’ve been told a number of times, “Go away, leave, do not come back, you’re a monogoloid knuckle shuffler gtfo of our forum.” would you stick around? or would you do what was ask and just well in my case update your account information knowing it will de-activate your account and leave? It’s basically what I did at this one place yet this “one” person no one else *wants* me to email the admin/mods and have the re-activate my account or worse sign up for a 2nd account and start fresh. I don’t want to start fresh I liked my account. I’ve had it for quite awhile and still use it to this day.

Mind you I lurk every once and awhile, and don’t give me that “GASP” if you lurk there why not just log in and join in the fun?” because I’m not wanted to be involved in the fun. Quite the opposite, but it does prove a bit interesting on some of the conversations that go on over there. It’s also not an ongoing habit either. I do the same thing at 2 other sites as well, it’s not a crime, it’s not creepy, and it’s just going by checking a few threads then leaving. It seems there are people out there that do consider that creepy thinking “I’m” OoooooOOOO stalking them and their posts SPOOKY SPOOKY! If you think that is creepy, then best get your forums private people because people lurk on tem all the time. Deal with it is the best thing I could say to that.

With that said I should mention that are some people I just assume leave out of my life since they were content with throw my friendship away like trash and treated me as such as well. Bad enough that I don’t consider myself having many friends; don’t assume that I am saying I don’t have friends. I have them, High School, some at work, some from old jobs as well, some from my home town.

I can say that I should accept the fact they are my friends because they are concerned with my well being and health and want to be involved in my life with my family. All I can surmise is that I have a ton of issues that I deal with on daily basis almost like everyone else, but I think to a certain degree that I have a bit more on my shoulders than even I realize from time to time.

The Thursday MY Thursday anyway…..

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

It’s funny the things that you eventually end up at a few yrs down the road. Today for instance, I was doing a search on a web comic I once followed pretty much dedicated due to the mirth and comical mayhem it caused and the fits of laughter I would suffer afterwards. I came across someone that was part of the cast as well. Seems she’s getting married and all type for happy are happening for her. All I can say is good for her and wish her well, I know we didn’t get along or were buddy/pal like, but we still from time to time and on rare occasions had decent exchanges of verbal communications. It is/was good to see her succeeding in life and partially being where she wanted to be. I think we all just grow away from things at some point in our lives. It’s just a sign of saying I’m done and need to move and expand from what I’ve seen.

I can say that I really don’t miss much from some of the older times from the early yrs of my “forum” days. Lots of asshattery and douche bag teabagging cyber bullying on …..(Pondering) I’ll say 78% of the forums that I went to and that only 4 % of them are still in existence still. Maybe I’m wanting to rant again maybe I’m just thinking what type of messed up people I’ve dealt with on line. Then again there “are” (yes there are) people out there who aren’t douche bags and are actually quite fun to pal around with and discuss things with. Then there are the near-do-wells, you know the ones that you think are your friends, but they talk shit behind your back and cut up on your expense and you don’t even know because it’s all behind closed doors or it’s on irc or such? Yea, I’ve dealt with those too. The worst are the ones who prefer their games or other things rather than wanting to or at least PRETEND to show an interest in what is troubling you and what has you upset. Those are just the worst type of person you’d want to contend with. The only way you can actually deal with them is to make a clean break and just not bother with them and hope that someday they will realize what they did and correct themselves for future encounters with other people.

On the light side of things, I did get the family room doorways fixed and realigned, I even caulked the nail entries and the older indentured in the woodwork from past slamming and fits of rage that have happened over the yrs. Alright, enough ranting and feeling sorry for myself, I guess. Back to work and back to reading genshiken again from front to back and the official guide as well. I’m currently waiting for RE:play Vol.3 to hit the library and my hold list. Otomen Vol. 5 is out as well and a Co worker and fellow manga reader is grabbing a copy at the Barnes and noble’s this Friday and as soon as she’s done with it I get to read it next SQUEEEEEEEE! Wife got our oldest a Finishing Sketch Pad for Easter, she doesn’t want it! ZoMg, “fine” I’m taking it and I’ll see what type of sketch I can do on one the sheets myself! I love art pads like that, I think they’re great. AH! It’s almost time to go home must get pack ready to saunter to the car and drive home. Not sure what I will do after dropping oldest off at school but I know I’ll do something with the kids on the day before they go back on track. C ya later

Facebook, Mobster2

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Mobster2 is pretty fun regardless of what type of asshats there might be. But there are two particulars I’d like to point out on the Mobster2 Facebook app. Sup3r Hax0r and WC Lawson, both need to smacked down like redheaed spoiled stepchildren and placed in timeout corner. I mean really, one looks like they’re in thier mid 30’s and the other looks like some type of tween emo that needsa hug from a bin of razorblades.

Champions online is fun though! I and my friend robert from San diego are actualy reliving the glory days in this app. Its like they took the book brought out the most fun parts made some simple web mods to the codework and BAM Comic RPG Web Crack. Its good stuff, I’m already at lvl 22 and climbing but 1 glich, MORE players I need 2 more players! Phant doesn’t want to play because he says he doesn’t do browser games. What GAIA then? I swore it was a browser game more so than FB apps. Oh and Mim? DON’T -=eeeeeeveeen=- get me started on that rant again. I’m over it for now finally. But still singes my asscheeks from time to time, choosing a ^%$$!& Video Game over her friends!?! *Fiiiine* thats fine, people make mistakes all the time. However there will come a time where they make that mistake ahgain one more than is acceptable and BAM. done…. Anyways off to work I go! Caio !