Life

Two years, its already been two years.

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

It is already 2 years since my last posting? Well where to start off I been working at Morgan Stanley for roughly 2 years and then had a opportunity to go work at MDF which was the big mistake because 6 months later ”Got to let you go” no real reason just me and 2 others gone.  That was June of last year. What have I been doing since? Nothing save looking for a job 350,000 supposed NEW jobs out there and not one of these &^#$ will hire me! SO frustrated I can do VoIP, Active directory and cyber security and Internet Service Support for Crist sakes!

 

I am still streaming under the tag of Tehloen on twitch have less than 90 followers and been on for 2 yrs. but I’ll make it 101 followers someday and be able to use emotes …..One day.  I did get involved on Blue-sky; they just now opened to the public. I was to get a few fellow Waste landers to come over from twitter on over I use both but trying to leave twitter behind in the dust. I am back to using Stream labs Desktop *sigh* it would be nice if X-split was stable enough to stay connected and quite crashing during the middle of a stream. Then again there are times where Comcast fucks up and lags me to where I have to start the stream over or just not stream period, ergo my lack of content as of last, oh and I was banned on twitch channels of @GamingGranny56 and @BendyJenga both on twitter, reason unknown for Granny as far as Bendy goes well, I was a bit disrespectful when walking into the channel and not reading the room for a moment (ADHD moment) and was booted off. I made apologies but that didn’t cut it (Right mim!) I told I would self-exile from her twitch and twitter and not be bothered by me again.  Trying to keep my own words and adhere to what I said.

Mentally how am I? Probably the same as anyone who has lost the parent (Yea still grieving) they could talk with and feel normal when talking or discussing things of personal / private in nature. I’m angry I have a number of medical conditions I refuse to talk about (don’t ask please.) I frustrated that these %##@ places that say “Oh Hey you’re perfect for this position” and apply and then either get ghosted or be told sorry you don’t have the skills. FUCK THAT SHIT! I have skills, some more than others, and I am willing to work overtime and such. I have been awarded a number of times from different employers for my technical AND my client support skills.  What the fuck does it take to get a god damn job that is technically based and remote!?!  I am betting it’s because I’m 57 there is age discrimination but try proving that to the BBB!  I need to be able to work remotely to keep a tab on matter I am not at liberty to discuss, but ideally making 40K and working remotely to take care things after work hours and being able to have some control is needed currently until others have their licenses and can drive themselves without problems.

 

I have been talking @C27Penn, @Mawtater, @ThiccMethod to name a few from the SlothCrew and #FalloutForHope team for St. Judes charity has kept me from going off the rails at times where I just want to destroy everything  say fuck it and just drive and keep driving and I don’t what afterwards.  Yea I know we’re not supposed to think like that, we’re 57 we’re supposed to be mature enough and  rational enough to not have those thoughts, but they happen and if I am being honest no real amount of meds will change it now either. I don’t make excuses for my behavior, I can be an ass sometimes, but I try to keep that reeled in, been bully and talked down to too many times to not realize when I become one and have to self-contain that which wishes to “Rip and Tear” till all is gone from the despair.  That’s all for now ranting is over. Doubt anyone will see this.

Been awhile….again

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Hi,

 

Yea been awhile huh? Well……how can I say this? I don’t like myself at the moment.  I mean really! I’m 52 I am stuck in a dead end job and the only reason I keep it because of medical benefits for my family and daughter ONLY reason. I’ve had several offers to go to Goldman Sach’s and work there for 29/30 $ an hour only catch no benefits for a year and that’s only a maybe with this company they could say sorry after a year of service we don’t need you and off to the trash pile with me.

 

I started on my game project over 14 years ago and 3 game engines later now, and I have nothing but assets and no alpha to show. I am ashamed of myself because I wanted to be someone that left some type of mark on the world that my kids could be proud of and I am in reality is some overage man child with dreams of grandeur that will never be because I don’t have the attention span needed to do what I need to commit to.  I can take machines plug them in diagnose the very likely issue and get them back up to stuff, but I am not Brainiac either.

 

I don’t feel worthy for this place again, and all I want to do is shove myself in a box and just bury myself and be forgotten, but if I do that I hurt people that love me, so I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don’t  and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Life for now

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Still working on the z400 Work station, applied to Netflix didn’t get the job. Don’t know why I know I have the qualifications, I have Netflix, and I know how to troubleshoot connection, and software issues. I don’t get it, I’m a team player, I’m open to new techniques, I just don’t understand. Anyways, yea things at home are on the whole are good, Naomi and Megan are working and taking their generals at the local colleges. Valetine’s Day is today and I’m taking Ronda to a Paint Date night and a light bite to eat.

 

I’m learning to UV unwrap models to help Bruce out with building the prototype map and getting models setup and ready for use in UE4/Project. But, we’re still working on that prototype and have to give kudos to Bruce for sticking with me on this. I’ve also been a bit vocal with the recent political scene, and I apologize, not for my views but for the way I voiced them. I am not happy with the way the country is currently and I will leave it at that here.

 

Deanna still working on her Novel(s) and such, I am hopeful she’ll be employed soon, and be able to do the things she’d like to do in life. Her laptop has busted a hinge again, but this time instead of getting it repaired for her birthday present, she wanted other things.  I am hopeful that this is a sign that she is moving forward to wanting a job and being able to get the laptop she wants to have VS what she has at the moment.

 

Getting back into Adobe after Effects, testing out what information I have still have in this noggin of mine. Seems my wife found an article on Soda and funny thing there is something in Mt. Dew that supposedly affects memory, well that could explain a WHOLE lot of things over the past 20 plus years of my life. Still weaning myself off the stuff, and I will be off it totally at some point soon. I did it with cigarettes I can do with soda (But damn them for making it SO additive.)

 

 

My hope is also to live to see a grandchild or two as well. I want to be able to live till 2040 (Yea I know you that know me get the in joke) afterwards yea I’m ok with leaving this plane of existence.  But I’d like to live long enough to see my kids grown and my grandkids as well knowing they have a decent life ahead of them rather than some apocalyptic wasteland real life fallout is not something I would look forward to.  😉

Stardate 95033.02

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

It’s Tuesday, I had my follow up appointment with the Doctor. I’m now officially a type II Diabetic and will be taking Metformin and another Med to take as well as a Meter to check my A1C and Glucose levels as well. I refuse to give in and I will beat this back to normal mark my words. I have started to ween myself off Mt. Dew for good, I have started off just with lemon infused water and have started to watch what I eat more and less food more tiny meals.

But I still feel depressed about this, doesn’t matter how much people say you’ll be better because of this, or good for you, because till I get this beat I am still 4x more prone to a heart attack or stroke now and that scares me to death. My dad has had a few of them already and had some severe blockage to the point that he can’t do any colonoscopies for fear he will bleed out with the meds they have him on.

My Wife’s been Diabetic for 14 yrs. 4 yrs. after the twins were born and sure with the food change the Doctor she had at the time had her on a strict regime and such and she lost weight with it but she as at the same sad, angry, just not her happy self and it wasn’t till she was able to find her happy place that she could be who she was and have the middle space and watch how she eats and what she drinks (Which can sometimes just ruin her.) Thing is I can’t see past myself right now, all I can think about is “am I ok? Am I going to be all right?” and all I can say to myself is I don’t know anymore. So even though I am setting these small goals I still feel helpless.

And I fear that if my mother in law finds out? Oh the shit will hit the fan and I don’t what I will do because the one I do not want is her getting involved in this at all or at any level. Because she goes on the tracks or diet plans and such and then attempts to get everyone else she knows that’s diabetic to join on in and well guess what? I just don’t want to deal with it, I have seen how she treats her own daughter and all I want to do is tell her to lay off and let everyone live the way they want and eat the way they want and let them make their own choices in life.
My colonoscopy is set for the 19th, 1st one ever. I’m scared of what they will find there as well, it would be just my luck to find out I have colon cancer, as things are the way there are right now. I’ve even thought it might be a blessing if I did have something that would just kill me right away of natural causes so my wife and the girls would have the money to pay off the house and I could just be cremated and flushed the kids would have the money to go to college get the schooling they deserve, and be able to take care of their mother after I’m gone.

I know I know, I’m not going to “kill” myself or anything like that, but sometimes I do wonder what life here would be after all was said and done. I know I have hurt people out there I never even met in real life and have wanted to and apologize for lashing out or just being and out right dick from time to time. I make no excuses for how I treated people, I was in dark places a number of times where I did want to just “go away” or “Vanish” or when at places I had been a part of where one or two people had said “Why are you even here? No one likes you, you’re annoying, you’d be better off if you’d just die and be done with it” and they got away with saying that type of tripe and the worse part was I started to believe them and I had to just leave those places behind me.

Only recently have I made contact with some of the people I used to hang around with online and after almost 8 yrs. of being away and slowly making my way into what I think could be being friends I’m told I have these health issues and if I don’t take care of them properly I might see a chance to see or have grandkids. Right now I feel I am in a dark space and no one really out there feels what I am feeling at the moment.

My 1st Day at the new place……

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Hello, looks like I have a new position at a call center closer to my house, easier on brain and less stress in my life. I had a really good day today, I feel like I can sleep and not worry about am I going to pass their test, am I going to get terminated for not passing, am I going to have a stroke before I am Fifty?

I took notes, I am studying the material I have been given I am also sitting next to techs/agents that have been there for a bit and are also going to be on the same project I will be on coming August 3rd. I also will be putting my time off request for the two family outings we have around this time of the year as well, since its 2 weeks off. I will also been getting paid for 2 weeks and 4 days so of the pay I would have during unemployment I think will have caught up a little bit better than I thought.

I am still squirrelling away cash however for the events so we will have at least some spending money. I am selling off what I can so I can have my wife get what she wants for a change as well too. I need a checkup I think, I’m getting small aches and pains here and there plus some numbness in my left foot as well and that has me concerned a bit. As soon as I can afford it I’ll schedule a appointment for a full work up on blood and such just to see where I am at health wise. I am 203 lbs and 48 currently but then again I could be skinny fat as they say. But from 260 to 203 in a span of 4 years isn’t a bad weight loss I think, I’ve been walking and making sure I get some exercise. I will have to wait to see what the results will be.

Update from the past 2 months

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Ok, so what has been going on since June? I was laid off on June 5th and applied for unemployment and was denied not because I was laid off on the contrary. I was denied because someone said I had applied for a posting they placed up on craigslist and then refused the offered. I placed in a dispute on and still no word back on it.  Meh, I got a job with teleperformance that started on the 6th of July worked it till Friday and placed in my notice. Why? Because of the stress I was under I was falling asleep like 10 pm (But in bed by 9 usually) and waking up at 3:00 / 3:30 am and then just lying there awake till 5 so I put my clothes on and left the house to be there at 6 am till 2:30 pm for 12.00 a hour.

Reason I mainly left was also an offer from a Tech Support Center near my house and one of my old jobs.  Starting is 14.00 an hour with a 500.00 sign on bonus 250.00 1st paycheck then the other on the 2nd paycheck, and I get PTO starting day one and benefits after 60 days. Better pay better opportunity better chance for advancement and it is dealing with business VOIP, which is what I dealt with to a good degree when I was working with Comcast. I start Thursday for 2 weeks of training and then to production! I feel good about this, and being back in tech support, plus this company has a number of internal employment positions I want to try for and move up by the end of the year. Anyways, that’s what’s been going on for the past 2 months.

Our 21st Wedding anniversary is coming up and I am not sure what to do!  I don’t want to do just a movie and dinner…… I’d like to take her out to Park City have a nice stroll maybe go to the top of the mountain and look over the whole of the Salt lake Valley Floor. I know what I do want to do, I want to be able to let her have the photo op and autograph of her choice during #SaltLakeComicon aka #SLCC15, we’re to have #ChrisEvans, #AlexKingston, #JohnBarrowman (Again and we love him for it.) there are whispers that #DavidTenant might show up as well! That would be most excellent indeed that we could add him to our #DoctorWho Photo Group collection.  Then in October there will be #AnimeBanzai not sure on the guest listing as of yet as it seems they have last year’s guest still listed, but I am betting there will be some changes here in the next month or so.  Well I got some work to do around the house and it won’t clean itself so I will leave it at that for now and hope some of you leave a comment or two on what you’ve been up to lately.

Life in general post

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Hello, yea it’s me. My daughter has finally gone in to the hospital to get the recurring tumor that’s been coming back into her lower jaw removed. It looked a lot worse than it after surgery. They did take #19 & #20 teeth removed the bone and jaw tissue surrounding the tumor so that this time it’s gone completely and totally gone. The meal plan for the next 2 months is going to be liquid / puree for her, I’m thinking I might join her on it for support.

I just don’t like baby food personally, all kidding aside though broths juice Jell-O and shakes and such will be the meals for the next 60 days. This year’s softball team will have to be minus one player as we were told no athletics this year just lots of recovery time and therapy to keep from any scar tissue build up or nerve damage which is one the major concerns.

Have barely slept in the past two days I’m making sure her room is as clean as possible, will help with her homework and also girl scout cookie sales booth duty as well, with her mouth the way it is and having an L bracket holding her jaw in place with the bone graft it wouldn’t be good to have her there selling even though she wants to. We think the cold weather would really irritate the jaw.

On another note, had some knob attempt to hack one of my email accounts from all the way in Jasper Alabama. What a dickcheese, even a monogloid chimp knows how to report the attempted hack and make sure that the offender is then targeted to be observed for any future possible criminal activity. The perp’s ISP even emailed back thanking us for bringing it to their attention and that their cyber division will be looking into but cannot let us know what the end outcome will be, which is standard procedure having worked for a cable ISP company before I knew that. I just frown upon such stupid acts like that to begin with.

Had a few updates to go towards the machine, 8 gigs of ram, a new 2 tb hard drive and will be swapping out cases so the machine that my wife and I use will be transplanted back into Knight Saber Onyx and vice versa and I will be taking out one the HDDs in the machine and transplant that into the 1.8 Gig machine and install Kubuntu 13.10 on it just to test out the waters with it. I’ll also attempt to get at least 1 to 2 replacement fans as well since 2 of the others are starting to show wear by the sound of the bearings.

What’s been going on overthe past few weeks?

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

So some big changes have come along the lines. The Cybernaut Podcast has been turned over to me in full. The reasons given were that Dustin and Dave wanted to concentrate on their college courses more for now and may start a new podcast in 2013 at some point. Josh is still onboard for the time being and stepping into to fill Dustin’s shoes is one of my old friends from San Diego California, Robert Jone aka Tobias Steele and One of my friends from one the older and still operational mucks on the net Anime Muck, one Ken Akamatsu AKA Max Sterling/Jenius. Our European field operative hails from Her Majesty’s own Carmarthen/Carmarthenshire UK David Treharne an up and coming Game Developer and Current Games Review for an online Magazine publication site.

We’ve had our first podcast here two weeks ago with Arik R. Avila of D7 Studios and his Production Assistant and current love interest 😉 Ms. Ciara Flynn as well as Actress, which went over well save for an audio issue where we picked up a reverb echo over the broadcast and we never could track down who it originated from. Anyways, we’re almost done with the reedits and will be posting it at the podcast WP here by the end of the week. Next podcast is going to be pretty cool as well, we have from Funimation’s own Voice Acting troupe Mr. Christopher Patton, along with Mr. Richard Davis who has been teaching over in japan on again off again for over a period of six years collectively and will share some insights to you listeners out there on what to expect if you’re one of those few that wish to make a career overseas in Japan. We also have Steve “Warky” Nunez, infamous Convention Keyboardist extreme and a dubiously funny voice actor himself and have been noted for lending his voice for the Anime Parody of Card Captor Sakura Abridged.

And it’s been snowing here off and on but seems to be melting off pretty fast too. The end of the world supposedly will be in ten days from this posting so let’s all hope the Mayans had it wrong eh? Christmas tree has been placed up the house has its lights up and all seems ok with the world for now, but I still have the feeling for the other shoe to drop and ruin everything for the holidays. Who has something to share for their Christmas list this year? OH COME ON PEOPLE!

Someone out there must want to share at least one thing they want for Christmas? Really? No one? Ok I’ll start then.
1. Assistance installing a MP3 Page for jp-studios
2. Someone to Rig and Animate the 3 models I have that need them to be ported into UT2k4
3. A Madarame Harunobu Genshiken Cast Figurine – Ebay has them
4. I have Volumes 9-8 and 7 of Genshiken the Manga and I’d like to at least be able to have 1 thru 6 or 10 thru 13 of the NEW Genshiken 2nd Generation so at least I’ll have either collected the old series up or I have picked and have collected upto date the new series.
5. One decent environmental game artist that will stick with the team and not wander off somewhere because all of a sudden “Gee, this seems like actual work” feeling comes across their brain.

My youngest made it to the school district’s Honors Orchestral Symphony and tonight is her last night for the Christmas circuit. My eldest has an appointment for a college essays one night course tonight has well but we have it all juggled to where it should work out just fine.

 

Oh before I end this entry, let me promote firefall first. Firefall has been in closed beta for a few months now and I’ve just started myself like 2 sessions ago and have to say this is a MAD CRAZY MMO SHOOTER ! Damn I haven’t had this much fun since Quake came out. The Environment is lush and the palettes and textures were well thought out. The Questing w/o giving away too much is pretty cool as well. The game and questing definitely promotes great team play and a balancing of solo missions with some nice swag to go with you as well. This is one FPS MMO I’ll promote as well. That’s it for now, comments as usually are welcome but keep em clean and be a tad respectful, we do try to keep the maturity level to a PG-13 level around here.

Mood Swings……I hate Aug

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

End of the week Friday! Finally here and well welcomed, we get to pick up our twins from camp tomorrow morning from Girl Scout Camp. The place has been eerie and quite for the past week and I’m not sleeping well because of it, so I will be glad that they are back. Not because of the noise but more to the fact that they’re back home safe and sound.
Things are tight this month as well, for example, I’m not sending flowers to her work since our 16th wedding anniversary is this Sunday because well they’re going to die anyway afterwards. We will however buy 1 item for the house as a gift from and to both of us instead. My Birthday, forget it! It’s not happening; the budget is too tight to celebrate so we’re bypassing it. I do hope to get the ez-builder module for my Omnibot project before Christmas maybe, but rather doubtful.

My mother in law’s which 7 days is after mine we can celebrate to a degree. We bought her gifts few months back when we found them, which was smart too. We’ll more or less cook out and BBQ at her place for her birthday and watch a few movies. The girls will be able to spend time with grandma and then home.
I did get into the Rusty Hearts closed Beta. All I can say to you is that it’s fun and quite enjoyable. I’m hoping to get into the “Blacklight” closed Beta next! That’s been built on the UDK Engine and from the media clip, it looks AWESOME! I’m hopeful in that I’ll get chosen for that Beta. Got to thank Ali-sama one my older online friends since I moved to Utah for the Humble Bumble #3 Games pack for my birthday those games are going to be fun.

Which brings up the issue of friends, I have to say I have more “online” friends than I do in real time, meaning that there are friends of mine I can call and chat with in the real time, but not face to face and hang real time if that makes sense? I honestly can say I have friends in California more than I do here in Utah. This is my daily routine, its home Dad, Husband Handyman Homework with the kids when needed, chauffer at other times. No HEY lets go have a LAN party, or BBQs or getting together for group movie night at one the theaters. No, its stay at home slowly killing myself in the front of the TV.

If you think I’m ranting by now yea, you pretty much hit it on the head, I’m now ranting at not having a social life. At least in California, I could call up Robert, or Mark or both and we could get the group together and RPG or go to the movies and hang and have fun. I bet even now we’d been able to do that but as families for the most part while we try to set up those still in the single scene. But no, I’m stuck in social hell and to be honest and brutal I hate it here, I want to be somewhere else current than “here”. Life sucks and I’ll bitch about it if I like.

Game/Journal Update

Posted on by Madarame-Harunobu

Ok so, long time no post? I’ve been busy with the family and work and team and school and visiting relatives from out of state. On with the updates, I made a bad mistake with the Yellow Jacket. I didn’t notice but the Yoke and gear box position needed to be retooled and now Chris is backlogged on having to make the corrections. Bruce will more or less need to redo the UV as well afterwards, crud. However, Paul has got nene pretty much finished, and we just need to send Leon and her to Michael for rigging. Bruce and I were discussing an old idea I had for the community anime fans out there and he likes it and has started off work on it already. No spoilers, but will say it will be a welcome set for those that do use the anime characters in dm and team death match. We also made the move from Moddb.com to IndieDB.com and had the project imported over there as well, thanks IndieDB and staff, you guys rock! Tomorrow is preview night for comicon 40. It’s the 40th one, Milestone 4 and I again do not get to go! FU**!!! FU** FU**!!! Especially with Tron being the theme this year and maybe even a hand on testing of tron evolution as well being at hand to test play! ARGH!

*Calm down calm down bro…..* I have been assured by a friend that swag is to be saved and even sent to me since I can’t be there personally to bask and enjoy the radiance that is comicon but the fact that it’s the 40th comicon. I wanted to be there at the 30th but my oldest was still only 6 years old not old enough to go with dad to the convention now at 16 she’s old enough, but we just lack the funds and the vacation time to do so. 50th mile stone however (if I live that long.) will be ours! And I will be able ad that to the small list of feats I have been able to do in my life. Hardware wise the old 15 in. LCD has about given up the ghost image; I was able to find two replacements for the family pc a nice 17 in. Gateway LCD free from a friend I knew on craigslist and said she’s pull it from the site and have me come get it. The other LCD monitor is my 22 in. Samsung SyncMaster 213T with rotational screen. It really handles games and editors much better as well. I’m attempting to code one the weapons we’re planning to use in the game and it’s an uphill battle but all battles are uphill. I am also having to change my eating habits again, somehow I slipped and gained 15 lbs back, how not sure but I have try to figure out what it is that is making me gain it. This will be another obstacle to deal and lock horns with I guess? Oh Harry Potter world is next year on our agenda as well so that should be really cool too! We’re in the middle of planning it out arranging the timeframe and such OMG have to run, have to get the oldest from summer school! BBL